Q&A Topics - Lazy Dominant and Unrealistic Expectations
Welcome to this week's installment of Talk Tuesday! We received many emails this week and I have answered them all. These two below are very interesting and different from others I've answered in the past here. Hopefully these will help you if you are struggling with some of the same issues.
Question #1) "So my #mistress and I have been in a contract since the 1st. Again thank you so much for the help with the #contract #limits #worksheet. Anyway so since the contract I've been trying to get my mistress to make me do more like regular expectations such as a daily journal and doing the little things to show her dominance. But she wont. I'm scared that she is putting on 50% and I'm giving it my all and I'm afraid I'm gonna push her away. So my question for you would be am i doing the right thing or am i blowing this out of proportion?"
I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including #rules, #protocols, #rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s #relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave?
These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person).
Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a #BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real #communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.
Question #2) "I am fairly a #newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I
responded with no #Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him.
We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to #journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my t#raining. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness.
I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. #Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a #sub."
To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a #real #dominant, more like a #fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.
The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.
Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and #Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.
Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.
Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).
But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.
I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at email@example.com.