BDSM Dynamics - Asking for Advice versus Complaining about Partners in Groups

Updated: Jul 27, 2019


In the BDSM community, there are core values that must be adhered to in order for a dynamic or relationship to be successful. Trust, Truth, and Communication are at the top of that list. Unfortunately, as in real life, many people break these values by actions and/or words.


Over the past few years with the rise of #Social #Media, I have observed an alarming trend. It seems that many people think just that because they are using an internet application, they can break many rules that in a real life situation, they most likely never would. People can create any identity they want to and portray their lives in any way they choose to by showing whatever they want to their online friends and followers. In real life, while this can be done also, it is much harder to do.


As a member of many #BDSM groups on Facebook and Google Plus, just to name a few, I have seen some disturbing posts from one person about their partner/#Dominant/#submissive. The majority of these posts consist of submissives complaining of things such as feeling they don't receive enough attention, don't get the type of punishment or sex scene they want to more ordinary vanilla life complaints of how their boy/girl friend (husband/wife) doesn't help clean house, make enough money, or take care of the kids. While there is always a time and place to discuss these issues if you have a legitimate need for advice, you should never use an internet group to bad-mouth your partner. Just because social media gives you anonymity, it does not excuse behavior that intentionally betrays the trust and love you have with your partner.


I have seen many groups that claim to be 'Support Groups' that are in reality 90% "Bitch about your Dominant in a place where you will get maximum sympathy for your side of the story without any recourse" and 10% actual support and advice for BDSM #dynamic related matters. Being over 40, I don't know if it's because of my generation, the way I was raised, or my own set of values, but talking behind the back of your life partner is just wrong on so many levels, especially when that partner is part of your BDSM dynamic.


Let's face it, as women, we do tend to be more emotional than males. We do like to gossip and get advice about some scenario that we're unsure of how to handle. But, when you take some that should be a simple question like "How do I approach this situation?" and turn it into "He/She is the worst because they ..." that is an entirely different animal. If you have been guilty of throwing your partner under the bus in a situation like this, you have broken every moral and rule holding your D/s dynamic together. We all know and feel that once trust is broken, it is nearly impossible to regain it back. So, why potentially put yourself in that circumstance?


When you have a problem with your partner, think it out first and approach them when you are in a calm state. Present the problem from your point of view and if you have thoughts on how to fix that problem, present them as well. Remember that, even though BDSM dynamics are consensual power exchanges, both partners are in it together equally.

If you really need a place to vent about a situation, use private messenger or call a trusted friend to vent and ask for advice. These are much better options than going into groups and exposing all of your dirty laundry to the world. Honestly, you never know who may see that post or if it will get back to your partner. People in large online BDSM rooms can have ulterior or hidden motives for being in the group. You just honestly never know who is behind the screen.


Another alternative to using a friend to vent about a #relationship matter can be Journaling. Using a journal can help you express every mad, sad, angry or other type of feelings you have without betraying that relationship trust. If you don't want to write your feelings down, record them using a video app on your cell phone. Both options offer a release of the feelings but also an opportunity for you to go back and read or watch what you put down. After time passes, you may see things a little differently than when you where in the height of anger.

Just remember that however you deal with problems in your relationship, to always put your relationship first and not do anything that could compromise that relationship by betraying the trust of your partner.


If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment below.

© 2018 by Michelle Fegatofi