BDSM: Only Sex, Soul, or Both?


The world of #BDSM seems to be anchored behind a curtain of mystery. Most of what the vanilla people see, read, and watch centers around sex or some type of impact related activity. They get excited and go online into kink related groups and post about #sex (how to deep throat, how do prepare for anal, how to stop orgasms, etc.). While sex and scenes are definitely a big part of the lifestyle, there’s much more to it, connected to #feelings, emotionally and #mentally.

I stopped participating for the most parts in online groups because of this very trend. Let me say upfront that I don’t have any issues with sex talk in #dynamics, but I do have a problem when newcomers reduce a beautiful way of conducting a relationship into nothing more than kinky hookups. I understand that not every person will be in a dynamic that wants or requires an exploration of #emotions. But, to basically never see things written or questions asked about that part of BDSM is disheartening. It feels like many of the groups are turning into one of those ‘swipe left or right’ apps.


I write and educate others mainly on the mental and emotional side of BDSM. It seems like I’m almost one of a dying breed. Are feelings, aftercare, and mental stability of #Dominants and submissives not that important anymore as long as the orgasm was good? Do you feel that many of the #relationships are being reduced to kinky one night stands or more self gratification instead of a true power exchange?


In the ‘old days’, before 50 shades of grey, we talked about how scenes affected the Doms / #subs mentally and emotionally, before/during/after. We talked about the importance of reading body language and keeping a constant communication with your partner to ensure they’re ok and in a good place. We asked questions and wrote articles on topics that covered anger, jealousy, happiness, depression, and many other emotions a dynamic partner could feel, in or out of playtime. Now, most of the questions being asked seem to be centered on self gratification or complaining about a partner, and not looking for real answers or help.


One of the other trends of late in online groups I’ve seen seems to focus on antagonizing #Old #Guard people when they post or comment on things that the New Age people don’t agree with. It saddens me to see so many “keyboard warriors” arguing and virtually accosting anyone that has a difference of opinion. We used to have great discussions and debates on many #LS related topics. Yes, they would get lively but rarely devolved into name calling, accusations, or just plain bullying. That’s a tactic I have encountered way too much and yet another reason I stopped participating in many groups.


I know my way of teaching and passing on my knowledge of BDSM is old school, but I firmly still believe in those traditions and think that they need to be learned and followed to have a good, solid dynamic. I am in no way saying “my way is the only way”.

There’s always evolution in society, but without a strong foundation and belief system, how can we continue to call what we are practicing BDSM? It covers a broad range, has many turns, twists, and possible avenues to travel down. But, if we throw out the basic rules, roles, and dynamic formations, what is left?


I’ve decided that I will start to try to once again write more BDSM blog articles, answer more posts and post more questions related to the softer side of the Lifestyle since I really feel it has been ignored for far too long.


I just hope that those newer to practicing a dynamic will try to open their minds and embrace some of the Old Guard ways so that the traditions can continue to survive and thrive.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below.

© 2018 by Michelle Fegatofi