BDSM Relationships: Understanding Reality versus Fantasy


If you have come to this blog, chances are that you have already started exploring the world of BDSM. Whether you are a Dominant or sub, Master or slave, Top or bottom, do your research and build your base knowledge before getting involved in any dynamic for the first time. This could honestly be the difference in sparing yourself mental and/or emotional trauma.


Now, most of the time as I’m writing these posts, I assume that my readers are complete novices and have not been in a real life BDSM dynamic or relationship. The reason for this is because I get so many questions asking things that are obvious signs of abuse or a fake dominant. I’ve written a few blogs on how to spot an abusive person trying to pass for a Dominant, especially in the online world. While every couple practices their own individualized version of the Lifestyle, basic rules and common sense still apply.


In many fantasy erotica books and movies, a female discovers that she likes being told what to do by a powerful male. Then she gets punished for some small thing she does wrong and decides she likes pain with her pleasure and the plot goes from there. While this scenario might make for a good read or movie, it is not the norm in real life. That’s what today’s blog is about: understanding the Reality of a BDSM relationship versus the Fantasy.


I’ve been in and out of the Lifestyle for over 27 years now, both online and in real life. I’ve lived as a submissive and a slave. While some dynamics may practice a high protocol situation more than others, I don’t spend all of my time on my knees waiting for Padrone to direct every tiny aspect of my life. First of all, neither of us have the patience for that. Secondly, life. Life always has to be lived. Jobs, appointments, friends, family, and whatever other obligations will always need to be tended to.


Padrone Marco is my #Master. I am his #slave. That is how we define our roles in our dynamic. While Padrone always has the final say in all decisions, he trusts me to act autonomously on his behalf and follow the rules he set up for us when we first became a couple. In the movies and books, most submissives get an allowance and a list to follow any time they go shopping for anything. Padrone doesn’t want to be bothered with little details so he leaves all of those decisions to me. When I buy clothes, especially online, I will get his approval before I buy something to ensure that he likes whatever I’ve picked.


If you have followed my other blog, you will see that we have both been on a journey to get healthier this year. Padrone was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in March so is on a strict diet that makes it difficult for him to figure out what and how to eat to stay within those parameters. After many trial and errors, I researched, found, and ordered a meal plan for him that satisfied his nutritional needs while actually tasting good and giving him a variety he needed. While many people may see that as a vanilla task or even as a slave overstepping her bounds, we do not. You see, in books, the sub or slave is always at the beck and call of the Master, regardless of the situation. In fantasyland, the slave never has to think for herself and the Master always knows exactly what to do and when to do it.


But in reality, #Dominants often need help and to be taken care of too. Even if your dynamic isn’t based on affection and is based on fulfilling a fantasy, these same principles will most likely apply in some form or fashion. A #submissive’s or slave’s number one priority is always to see to the comfort of their Master/Dominant. We want to make their life easier in any way that we can. So, unlike movies and books, we have to think for ourselves as we follow the clearly defined rules of our dynamic. In taking control over our individual diets, I made life easier for Padrone so he doesn’t have to worry if a meal fits into his diet or not. I’ve already done all the research and all he has to do is tell me what it is he wants to eat. That is not Topping from the Bottom. It’s making sure my Padrone stays healthy.


Another theme you normally see running through #BDSM related books and movies is that of the Dominant never taking care of the sub, unless it’s after a scene. I can assure you that is not the case in a real life relationship. Padrone takes care of me just as much as I do him. Many people would look at the surface of our relationship and see a vanilla couple that has been together for a long time since many of our daily activities are vanilla based. But what you don’t see is the reality.


For our dynamic, I clean the house, wash clothes, take out the garbage, take care of the dogs, make sure meds are taken or refilled, and many other tiny, everyday things that get overlooked because they are routine. While Padrone mainly works so he can support us financially, he also edits all of my posts and maintains this blog. I work behind the scenes to support him.


There are so many other examples I could give you from our everyday life that will give you glimpses of how our Dynamic works, I will leave it here for now. My goal for this post is simple. Don’t base your dream of a relationship on what you read in a book or watched in a movie because that relationship will fail since it wasn’t based on any type of reality. Find your own version of BDSM that works with the reality of your life. The completeness, support, love, and connection I have with #Padrone makes that journey worth it.

© 2018 by Michelle Fegatofi