Beginning a BDSM Relationship out of Depression or Loneliness


February is a significant month for many reasons. In the USA, it's devoted to Black History. Many countries around the world celebrate an Independence Day during this month also. But, the most widely known and celebrated day would have to be February 14th, St. Valentine's Day. It is a day where people show their loved ones affection through special presents or other gestures. Many weddings, new couples, and other loving, romantic pairings happen on this special day.


On the other hand, there are many negative effects that Valentine's Day can have. In 2014, sixty percent of single people polled in the UK indicated that they have negative feelings towards this day. Forty percent of singles ages 18-26 have reported increased bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide. In the USA, thirty-five percent of single adults questioned said they have tried 'other than traditional' methods of meeting someone. Many of these singles have taken to the internet as an alternative means to finding their significant other/partner because they feel that other, more traditional methods have failed them.

After reading erotica books, watching BDSM based movies and in some cases, researching, people are turning to online BDSM forums and groups in hopes of meeting 'Mr. Right or Ms. Right', or in this case 'Master Right or Slave Right'. While some adults start their journey into the world of BDSM by dipping their toe in first and gradually working their way up into participating more with other like minded people in discussion forums and groups, others are jumping all in without any caution for their own safety. They label themselves Dominant or submissive and start trolling any and all groups they can in efforts to obtain a partner Dominant/submissive while knowing little to nothing about the BDSM Lifestyle, roles, protocols, or rules and making no efforts to vet the person they are considering getting into a TPE (total power exchange) dynamic with.


I have seen many people who identify as submissives so desperate for a companion, that they literally make an alias account on social media and start sending messages to every Dom they can find asking them to take them on as their sub. In some of these cases, especially if the Dominant is ethical and experienced, they will inform the submissive that this is completely inappropriate behavior, caution them to not approach random people offering complete and blind submission to a stranger, and ask them to not contact them again. While there are many good Dominants of this caliber, there are an even number of unscrupulous people that will pretend to be a #Dominant and will accept any and all offers of #submission from complete strangers. These predators are usually someone just looking for online fantasy role play, sadists looking to harm another person for self gratification, or a truly abusive person, be it mentally, physically or both, wanting to find their next victim.


If you are looking for a Dominant/submissive, especially if you are having feelings of desperation, depression, and/or loneliness, never rush into any relationship, online or real life, without first getting to know that person. If you are new to the #BDSM #community, do your research! Make sure you understand the basic roles, rules and protocols most Dominants/submissives follow. Be proactive and research Soft and Hard Limits. Find and fill in your own #Limits #Worksheet so when you do find a potential partner, you already have a completed list of items indicating things you are willing and not willing to do or try. Find online blogs and websites with various views of how they practice BDSM and learn from them. Incorporate things you like and take note of those you don't. This knowledge will help when vetting people for either scene only scenarios or relationships. It will also help you spot fake dominants before they can get too far into a conversation with you.


Never enter a relationship while feeling desperate. This leads to nothing but misery down the road. If you are depressed and looking for a Dominant, I urge you to take time for yourself first and become comfortable being single. If you can't be ok being alone and feel you have to have a partner, I don't know if you are ready to fully give yourself to someone as a submissive. Submission should bring feelings of joy and accomplishment. It should fill a need to serve a Dominant. It should be given to someone that makes your heart sing, your head filled with calm and soothing thoughts, and in your soul just feels right. It should not be given to a Dom in a desperate attempt to calm feelings of depression or loneliness. These relationships usually end up with a very needy person trying to be submissive but being more bratty because they never feel that their Dominant is giving them enough attention. They also hardly ever last more than a month, especially if it's an online only relationship.

If you are Dominant and you are in that very emotional situation, I also urge you to take time for yourself  becoming comfortable being single. If you are not ok being alone with yourself, how can you be the Dominant of a submissive that need you to be protective and to understand their needs. Follow the same precautions that I outlined for submissives.


If you want to meet them in person, follow the basic safety measures I have outlined in the blog post First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life. These simple steps could be the difference in saving your own life. I'm not trying to scare you off from online dating, but I am trying to instill a sense of precaution.


While beginning and maintaining an online-only BDSM relationship can be mentally and emotionally fulfilling, if cautions are not taken with whomever you get into a dynamic with from the start, it can be very damaging as well. Please follow the simple suggestions I've made above, especially if you are new to the Lifestyle. It will save you much heartache in the end.

© 2018 by Michelle Fegatofi