© 2018 by Michelle Fegatofi

Limits in a BDSM Relationship


If you have been around or explored the world of BDSM for any length of time, you will have heard of #Limits.


If you have no clue as to what the true meaning of Limits is, the easiest explanation I can give you is this: Limits encompass everything (mentally, physically, emotionally) that you will and will not allow in a #BDSM #relationship.


When people ask me what they should and should not allow, I tell them that is up to them. Do your homework and read as much as you can about different aspects of BDSM #scene play, bondage, and roles. The more informed you are, the better you can decide what you are more comfortable with. 


If you are at a place that you are thinking of entering into a BDSM contract with someone, you have to have all of your limits in place and make sure they will be honored by your #Dominant. Write down 3 lists, one that contains things that are permissible, one that contains things that you may want to try but are scared to, and one that contains items that are absolutely off limits, no matter what your Dominant says or does.


Before a BDSM scene, it is common for participants to negotiate an outline of what activities will and will not take place during the play session. Participants outline what they want to happen and hard and soft limits are determined. For example, it is common to set a time limit on the session, to set a safeword and to prohibit activity involving non-consenting 3rd parties.


Hard Limits 

Something that must not be done. Violating a #hardlimit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. 


NEVER say you don't have limits unless you are with a Dominant that has the exact same morals as you do or you can #trust to not take you into places that you do not want to go. If you don't have well defined limits, this could become a problem if you do not know each other inside and out. 


Soft Limits 

Something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused.


Safe word 

Safe words are intended to protect participants from going further or doing things they don't wish to do. Safe words are also intended to end or slow down the scene for other reasons, such as a cramp, charley horse or a sudden onset of dizziness or shortness of breath. 


The whole point of choosing a #safe #word is to select a word that you would not normally use in conversation, not even in animated conversation. Choosing a word like Stop or Ow wouldn't work because often, stop doesn't mean stop, it means 'if you stop now I will scream!' and 'Ow' can mean 'this is so yummy, please may I have another?' Choosing Elephant or Babysitter, Frog legs or Chicken as your safe word is a much better idea. OK, chicken fried steak might be too hard to remember, so maybe stick with the one word safe words.  I mean, really, how often do you think a person is tied to a St. Andrew's Cross enjoying the flogger so much they are flying into subspace and the word babysitter comes to their mind?


The Myth of Safe words is that a safe word will protect the submissive from harm. That is utter crap! A #safeword has absolutely no power to protect the submissive from harm. In fact, I believe that trusting in safe words can often create a false sense of safety for #submissives. A submissive is falsely comforted by the Top's giving them a safe word. The safe word is of no value whatsoever, without knowing and trusting the Top, and how in the world could a submissive possibly trust someone they spent a total of a few hours on the internet with, prior to agreeing to play with them?


So remember that Limits and a Safe word are the first keys to practicing a safe and healthy BDSM relationship!