Online, you will find a lot of people that give themselves the title Dominant-Master / Domme-Mistress or take on a cyber persona imitating that of famous ancient sadists.
Does that mean that they are real Dominants? Do they have the internal character makeup of what I term as a True Dominant? Or are they just bullies, players, and wannabes? I will explore this more in depth with this article. Let me state, I am not pointing out any group in particular, I am just expressing what I see as the traits that a natural, true Dominant exhibits. You are welcome to express any views you may have that support or differ from mine in the comments section, if you wish.
For a submissive, finding an appropriate Dominant partner is something that should be approached with a great deal of thought. Just because a man is dominant does not mean he will make a good Dominant. There are several traits a submissive needs to look for in a potential Dominant.
But first, look deep inside yourself and decide what you want and need from a BDSM relationship. Make sure you are being realistic and not living in a fantasy if you are seeking a real life Dominant. Believe me, being chained on one position all night to a bed without being let up to pee, or kneeling on tile or hardwood on your knees for hours at the feet of your Dominant are not fun. It hurts. So, be realistic in your needs, expectations, and wants, but most of all your limits.
The Dominant is always in control of themselves.
How can a Dominant control a submissive if he or she is unable to control him/herself? The Dominant you choose should always have control of their own life and emotions. Subs/slaves do not get turned on by whiny wannabe dominants. A Dominant that screams and shouts to get things done, is not attractive.
The Dominant sees your submission as a gift.
Submission is a gift that is given and never taken. If it is taken that is abuse and the one that takes it is not a Dominant but a bully.
The Dominant always takes responsibility.
When you are restrained, you are depending on your Dominant's care for your safety. Ensure your Dominant knows your scene, the safety challenges and make sure you both know the safe words or hand gestures in place. A Dominant will always honor these.
A Dominant will know and accept their limitations.
False pride can be dangerous. When dealing with the life of another, as some scenes in fact do, you need to trust that your Dom knows and accepts their limitations. He does not think he is a god and above all reproach. He knows that he is only human.
A Dominant does not demand Respect.
You will automatically show basic respect for Dominants as a vanilla person shows respect for other people. As you get to know the Dominant better, you will learn to respect him more. A Dominant will not demand respect from anyone. They know they must earn your respect the same way you must earn theirs.
A Dominant is never a bully.
A Dominant will never bully you into doing something that is on your hard limits list. They don't whine, coerce, or scare you into anything. They accept your submission as a gift and honor all of your limits.
A Dominant is always Patient.
Patience is very vital for every Dominant to have. They understand that a submissive will make mistakes, especially during the first months of their relationship and training. The D/s relationship is a work in progress and never completed, but always improved.
A Dominant is Loyal.
For trust to occur, both sides of the relationship must be loyal to each other.
A Dominant must be Intelligent.
This is common sense, not a PHD in BDSM. A Dominant should know what toys are for and how they work. Anything you plan in a scene should be safe beyond question.
A Dominant should possess Humility.
Humility requires that the Dominant possess a feeling of self-worth and an understanding they are not infallible.
A Dominant will always be Honest.
The D/s relationship is based on trust. Without honesty, there is no trust and there is no relationship.
A Dominant shows Courtesy.
A Dominant should show courtesy to peers and submissives both.
A Dominant will show Compassion.
A Dominant is Understanding and responds to your needs by knowing you and your mindset well. This means observing your actions and analyzing the motives behind those actions.
A Dominant always has Open Communication with his sub/slave.
The Dominant should have a great ability to listen, as well as speak. Honest communication is vital to the relationship between you and your potential Dominant.
I have also found this written by some unknown author on the internet that I think totally fits my vision of a True Dominant.
Above all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all.
A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another.
A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others.
As a stern and demanding Dominant, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears; As a consummate lover, they will kiss such tears away without stepping out of character.
In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind and be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two individuals.
A Dominant is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.
A Dominant will never ask a submissive to put them before the submissive’s career or family just to satisfy their own pleasure.
To win a submissive’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, a Dominant knows they must first win the submissive’s trust.
A Dominant will show their submissive humour, kindness and warmth.
A Dominant must always show their submissive that their guidance and tutoring in knowledgeable and deserving of the submissive’s attention, that the Dominant is a person they can learn from in whom they can trust their direction.
A Dominant is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive’s honour.
A Dominant proves to their submissive that they are someone who can be leaned upon and depended upon.
When it comes time to teach their submissive a lesson in obedience, a Dominant is a strong and unyielding teacher.
A Dominant will accept no flaw; nothing less than perfection from their student.
Never does a Dominant use discipline without good reason. When they punish their submissive it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
A Dominant is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive’s wants and needs.
A Dominant is patient, taking time to learn their submissive’s limits and knowing that as the submissive’s trust in them grows, so to will they grow.
A Dominant never has to demand ritual behaviour from their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the desire to please, not the fear of punishment.
A Dominant understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them.
A Dominant’s tools are mind, body, spirit, soul and love.
A Dominant understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/ther. And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bonds that truly hold.