I recently received an email from a reader asking for advice with her Dominant.
They had been a vanilla couple for a while and both decided they wanted to take it into a deeper relationship, so started to explore the world of BDSM and D/s. After much research and reading up on the lifestyle, he took the dominant role and she the submissive role. They made a contract from the beginning of their D/s relationship and started living it in a 24/7 lifestyle. In the contract, one thing they both agreed to was that they wouldn't visit dating sites or porn sites, nor would sex texting with anyone else. The submissive repeatedly found out that the Dominant was breaking this one rule. He treated her well in every other way and never broke any other rules of the contract, except that one. He could not stay off the porn sites. She said she lost trust in him and asked me how she could trust him after he kept lying to her. My advice to her, as well as more information on this subject follows.
Trust, is an integral part of a BDSM relationship. Without it, there can not be a relationship.
Both participants must be able to trust the other with their thoughts and feelings. WIth their vulnerabilities and strengths. Open and honest communication is a way of building trust, and is required in a BDSM relationship. This level of trust takes time to grow, it does not happen overnight. Trust will grow with consistent actions from both people and a good working level of communication. In this way, the people show that they will do what they say they will do. Unfortunately, in a relationship such as BDSM, trust can easily be broken if all parties are not open, honest, and communicate everything they think, feel and need.
I advised the reader that she should step back and take a look at the problem from a different view point. If her dominant was not being truthful about looking at the porn sites, it probably was because he felt she was not open minded or was too #jealous of other women. I told her that she should sit down with him and have a very honest conversation about her feelings, but also listen to his point of view and the reasons why he liked to look at the pictures with an open mind. I asked her if he was cheating on her with other women (virtual sex, text messages, etc...) and she said no. The only thing he was doing was browsing pictures of naked women on the internet.
I told her to reconsider her stance on that rule. I saw no harm in him looking at naked women if he was not actually having cyber sex or other contact with women behind her back. In the world of #BDSM, there are always going to be nude people or almost nude people, around. If she could be more open minded and accept the fact that her Dominant liked looking at pictures naked women, but was only having sex with her, then he would not feel the need to hide that part of himself. Having an outside person looking at the situation helped her understand that, the actual act of looking at pictures were harmless. In fact, some of the pictures might even give him ideas to try on her.
How can a #submissive regain trust after we are lied to by the very one we have put all of our trust in? It is a slow process but it is possible. The first thing that is KEY is communication. You have to #communicate with your Dominant and they have to do the same with you. It is a 2 way street, not just a one way avenue.
Second, no matter what the situation, everyone in the relationship has to be completely honest and open with the other. Sure, there are rules for the submissive that you will follow, but the #Dominants have also usually agreed to some sort of even minimal guidelines. Those have to be followed or trust can be broken.
Third, remember that we are all humans and that relationships are fluid. Sure, you will know exactly the things that you will absolutely not do and can not tolerate (cheating for example) but you have to know that during a relationship, with time, people grow and change. You both should sit down once or twice a year and review the rules and guidelines that govern your #relationship as a whole to make sure that no changes or additions are needed. If they are, make them together once everyone is in agreement.
Above all remember that #Trust is a fragile thing. It takes time and honesty to build the kind of trust that is a corner stone to a solid, long lasting relationship. It can take only one small lie to break it.