My Real Life: Anxiety, Depression, Hiding, Denial then Reality Check and Healing
Since #COVID-19 appeared in 2020 around the world and people have been forced to stay home and #isolate, they have turned more to the internet for #socialization and entertainment from the reality of what’s going on around the world. Most people are looking for something fun and light to help lift them up out of the darkness that they are living or feeling.
You see a lot of posts that are funny, lighthearted, and generally portraying a happy-go-lucky type life or #lifestyle. Many people do not post, or have not posted, their actual daily life or reality. There are a lot of people that do post about what their experiences in the past year and a half, but that’s not usually what shows up on your #socialmedia newsfeed.
It’s taken me a long time to finally get the courage to write about the #reality of what I have been experiencing in the past year and a half. In a few posts back, I wrote about being in a #funk. At that time, I really did not think it was depression and definitely had no clue that I suffered from #anxiety. But what I learned this year, is that I’ve been suffering from a form #depression and anxiety longer than I knew.
Whenever I have started to write about the reality of my life in its current state, I usually ended up either saving a draft or deleting everything I wrote because it was very hard to put my very personal, very deep innermost thoughts out there on the world wide web for everyone to read and critique. When you’re addressing your #fears, but also your reality, it makes you have second, third, and fourth thoughts on whether or not you want to share. Here’s a picture of what my reality consisted of.
In 2020 I ended up reading 814 books. Yes you read that right. How the heck did I end up reading that many books? Well according to the statistics on my iPad, I spent an average of 14 to 18 hours per day, every single day reading. My way of dealing with life was to literally stay in bed, read as many books from kindle unlimited as I could, and try to lose myself in #fantasy worlds versus facing reality, which really was not bad at all.
Padrone and I made many adjustments because of the virus and stayed home unless it was absolutely necessary to go out. We were very fortunate that Padrone kept his job, even though his hours were reduced, our overall quality of life and lifestyle did not change much. What did change was my mental and emotional health. I have to say that it had absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with Padrone, our marriage, or anything in my life. It was just me. It’s just something that happened.
My seizures started getting worse in 2019, and I didn’t celebrate the Christmas that year. Normally, I decorate the house with all types of holiday decorations and you would think you were walking into a Christmas store. But in 2019, I just did not have the mental capacity or motivation to deal with it.
After our wedding in February 2020, #mentally and #emotionally, I slowly started withdrawing from life. I stopped posting on my social media pages. I stopped talking to my friends and social contacts that I normally spoke to on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times per day. There were many times that I didn’t even speak to Padrone that often, even though we literally were together 24/7.
So many times during the past year, I forced myself to try to restart living and doing as I had always done in the past. I had bouts of energy for one to three days in which I actually did post things on my social media pages, interacted with my followers and friends over the Internet, and even did some writing. Unfortunately, these episodes did not last very long and I fell right back into what had become my comfort zone, which was living in a fantasy world created by the books I was reading. Depression and anxiety will always return unless you seek proper medical help.
My seizures in 2020 got so bad that I was having them several times a day. Some were extreme, others being very small and quick. That was my brain releasing all the stress from the mental depression and emotional anxiety that I was feeling, but would not allow myself to deal with professionally. Basically, I knew something was wrong but I was still in denial.
In January of this year, I ended up going to the ER and was admitted for 10 nights / nine days unexpectedly. I was diagnosed with kidney and intestinal infection and inflammation. It was so bad that it took three weeks of heavy antibiotics to start clearing up. I also found out that I have a large kidney stone, which is causing problems on its own. They tried to perform surgery during my first hospitalization but was not successful. Due to the extreme infection and inflammation, they did a partial intervention and I will have to go back for a second time. This is just another stress that I have to deal with on a daily basis until I am able to get the problem corrected.
While I am dealing with the physical health issues, I am also finally trying to find a new medication, as well as getting new neurological test on my brain, to see if there is something I can do to help regulate and/or stop the seizures I’m having. During the month of March, I will have a few different types of brain scans and tests, that I have to do in between getting my surgery done. It’s a very busy and stressful time in my life, but I am trying to stay positive and looking forward to getting back to normal life.
Now what does that mean for me? I am hoping that once I get through this, once I get through my second surgery after it is scheduled, hopefully my body will get healthy once more so I can work on my mental and emotional health and try to come back and be the #submissive, writer, #blogger, #BDSM educator, and #mentor that I have been for the past 20+ years.