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January 2020: My Month of Hiding from the World

At the beginning of January I was so full of fire and ready to take on 2020. My long awaited dream of marrying my partner, my Padrone, was coming true. I had plans for a new 2-part dominant educational book. I was also developing fiction stories. My body felt and looked great. I felt on top of the world!

Then, around the second week of January, out of nowhere, I started to shut down a little at a time. I continued to post on my pages, but I didn’t write new blog posts. I continued to exercise and do yoga, but I felt I was pushing myself to do it and not enjoying it. I still served Padrone as his slave, but it was more out of habit than desire or dedication. I still answered messages, but much less frequently.

I slept a lot. When I wasn’t sleeping or doing something that was just absolutely necessary, I lost myself in books. I knew logically that I was pulling away from the world, but I felt that I couldn’t do anything about it. I talked to Padrone and my best friend and they both understood that my #mood swings or #unresponsiveness had absolutely nothing to do with them, it was all me. My own making.

As the days turned into #weeks, I quit posting on my sites all together. I quit #exercising. I stopped moving around the house or going outside unless it was something I just had to do. I stayed in bed. I stopped cleaning the house, literally allowing our clothes to pile up until we had only one day of clean clothes left. I fed my dogs but didn’t pet or play with them.

What did I do? I slept. I snacked. When I wasn’t asleep, I immersed myself in fantasy or fiction books. I kept going to work with Padrone, but I just continued my pattern of reading and sleeping there also. I barely communicated with anyone, other than Padrone.

Although I knew something was wrong, I didn’t quite #understand why or even how to fix it. I had no energy. No #desire. No drive to do anything. I just felt like all I could handle was hibernating from reality. I didn’t feel depressed but I wasn’t feeling happy. I wasn’t feeling stressed out by the upcoming wedding. I wasn’t feeling anything overly negative in any way. Mostly I just felt numb.

Why did this happen to me? I have way too many reasons to be happy. I have so many things I want to #accomplish and a bright #future as Mrs. Belcastro Bara coming up in less than 3 weeks. What could possibly be so bad that I found myself sinking deeper into my self made isolation mode? As I sit here now, looking back over the past month, trying to critically think about my emotions, my life, my decisions and my future, I still have no idea what happened or why.

I started feeling slightly better a few days back and quickly got our house back in order. I bought my dogs a big box of toys and am making extra effort to make them feel wanted and loved. I started posting small things on my pages and started a full post schedule yesterday. Today, I felt energized in a way I have not felt in a long time. I plan on starting my yoga routine tomorrow and easing back into mild exercise with more focus on yoga. I finally am feeling more like myself.

I have no idea what made me descend into that #black #hole of #hibernation, or why it feels like I just snapped out of it all of a sudden. I can’t say my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride, because I didn’t feel like they were. My issues could have been some weird new side effect from my epilepsy or the fact that I’m in menopause. It could have been the crappy weather we had or some weird fluke that will never repeat. I honestly have no idea what happened or why it did.

So, what did I learn? First, I miss #yoga! I had no aches and pains, nor were my muscles so stiff like they have been these past weeks. I need to exercise for my own wellbeing, mentally and physically. I learned that I have to be patient with myself and try to think about my mental and emotional health from a critical point of view to better enable me to try and understand what’s going on with my body. I also learned to listen to my body and instincts more. Maybe my body made me do nothing for those weeks in order for it to fight off something I wasn’t aware of.

I’m just happy that I am feeling more like myself and hope to continue doing so. I share the good and the ugly with you so you know that you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there that is going through something similar to your situation.

Thanks for reading and feel free to leave comments below.

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Vibha Suvarna
Vibha Suvarna
Mar 29, 2021



Nov 09, 2020

Thank you for this! I am also going through something similar and I had to step back from vetting because I was not mentally well. I finished your book also and I appreciate your honesty in your blogs. I look forward to reading more from you!!

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